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Het vermakelijk lijstje ‘150 things to remind you why you’re a Lotus Elise driver‘ gaat al lange tijd mee in Lotusmiddens. Aan de ene kant is het pijnlijk herkenbaar voor zij die er al eentje hebben staan, maar anderzijds geeft het ook een goed beeld van aan wat je je kunt verwachten mocht je naar een exemplaar op zoek zijn. Ook al zijn een pak (pijn)punten enkel van toepassing op de S1 en vroege S2 modellen met Rovermotor.

Lotus Elise

  • 1. You think there is something wrong with you because the novelty has not yet worn off . . . after 3 years.
  • 2. You’ve spent the same money on your car as your next door neighbour. He drives a Mundane/Golf/Focus/Vectra.
  • 3. . . . and you get more m.p.g.
  • 4. . . . and m.p.h.!
  • 5. When the quickest road is the back road . . .
  • 6. On some corners of the track, you are yelling at Ferraris to get out of the f*cking way.
  • 7. The fear of crashing will soon fade, unfortunately it is replaced with the rather reckless notion of “Well, that’s why I pay insurance”.
  • 8. The temp’ gauge gets looked at more than the speedo’
  • 9. It seems perfectly acceptable that carpets and a stereo are listed as optional extras.
  • 10. You’re driving around with a permagrin.
  • 11. When you’ve all of a sudden become a hit with the ladies
  • 12. . . . and you spend longer cleaning the car before going on a date than getting yourself ready . . .
  • 13. You speed up when you see a “dangerous bends” sign instead of slowing down
  • 14. Farmers become accustomed to your exhaust note . . .
  • 15. The car won’t come out of second gear in tunnels.
  • 16. . . . and if you’ve got a cat bypass . . . you’ll just spend the day in the tunnel going back and forth
  • 17. You spend money on upgrades as if it was a game of Gran Turismo
  • 18. For the first time since you were a student, there is more money leaving your account than arriving!
  • 19. Highlighting these outgoings under keyword “Lotus” is not a good idea for sanity/marriage/having to go back to reality reasons . . .
  • 20. You suddenly remember that you had been planning on running the Elise for a year, selling it for a profit and then buying something else. 3 years later it’s still sitting on your drive and the prospect of selling it over list price is laughable. You couldn’t bring yourself to sell it.
  • 21. Leaving your car out of sight for more than half an hour is unthinkable
  • 22. You’re the only car parked in the supermarket car park and an MPV/People Carrier/4×4 comes and parks right next to you.
  • 23. Driving to and from work is an event within itself. Combine some fast B roads, snaking corners and a bit of sunshine and it feels like Christmas day EVERYDAY
  • 24. You start to consider brakes to be just as consumable as tyres.
  • 25. You’ll start to consider tyres to be just as consumable as petrol!
  • 26. When it’s dry, you can overtake “anything”
  • 27. When it’s wet, “anything” can overtake you
  • 28. When you spend 30 mins doing donuts & handbrake turns on an empty snow-covered IKEA car park at 1.30 a.m. when really you should be in bed
  • 29. You fruitlessly try to explain to the Kwik Fit monkeys that you don’t want 40 psi in each tyre.
  • 30. . . . and at the same time it becomes clear why you pay the extortionate dealer prices for a geo’ check.
  • 31. Your girlfriend/wife has asked at least once what you would do if you had to decide between her and the Lotus
  • 32. You’ve lied to her at least once
  • 33. Driving anything else is an absolute joke. I mean . . . how inaccurate is the steering? Is there a reason for this high driving position? Why am I leaning so much on a paltry 40 mph bend? Is there a problem with the accelerator cable?
  • 34. . . . but bloody hell the brakes are good (as you find out the first time you touch them, imprinting your face on the windscreen)
  • 35. Boxsters don’t want to play, TTs do until you pass them, BMW 330 diesels are quicker in a straight line than you may think and as for the Nova full of kids? . . . well you just let them screech their tyres and go
  • 36. . . . only to pass them a few seconds later . . .well we’re just bigger boys with better toys
  • 37. What to race next?
  • 38. Friends who buy TTs/MGFs/MX5s/MR2s/Z3s/Celicas/Barchettas are just sad people who don’t understand.
  • 39. You have to explain the difference between grip and traction to Impreza owners
  • 40. You salivate at the sight of a Noble M12 whilst others don’t even know what it is
  • 41. Sticking behind the same car in front for more than a mile is unthinkable (speed irrelevant)
  • 42. Short skirts and high pavements
  • 43. Mountain Passes
  • 44. “S” Bends
  • 45. Crazy handling
  • 46. You cringe when people say “That looks powerful, what size engine has it got?”
  • 47. And frown when they tell you their standard hot hatch has 80 BHP more
  • 48. What’s the top speed then? OK, enough, enough.
  • 49. You suddenly gain an ability to read the weather better than Michael Fish (which, thinking about it, isn’t much of a feat)
  • 50. Cars that leak when it rains are perfectly acceptable
  • 51. . . . and so is having a mop up towel on the passenger seat (oooer)
  • 52. You explain to people that you know the hood is not practical but it wasn’t originally designed to have a hood
  • anyway.
  • 53. But you’ve learnt how to put it on and take it off quicker than an F1 mechanic changing wheels.
  • 54. It’s not that hard to fit anyway . . . is it? . . . Ahh so what! Can an SLK hug corners like THIS!?
  • 55. In its dreams . . . and even if it could (and it couldn’t) it better wake up and apologise
  • 56. The colour of your car is perfect until you see, in the flesh, another Elise in the colour you should have got, not to worry though as this effect only lasts whilst the other car is still in sight
  • 57. The engine is not as powerful as when you first got the car, it can’t be???
  • 58. Similarly the suspension will get softer until you feel like you’re in a boat!!!
  • 59. You know every pot hole in town
  • 60. And every roundabout
  • 61. You get w*nker signs and angry faces as you swerve to avoid pot holes and drains
  • 62. If only my exhaust note was louder…
  • 63. . . . and the cockpit was quieter.
  • 64. Who can fit a CAT bypass?
  • 65. . . . and the dynamat
  • 66. When is the next MOT?
  • 67. Doh!
  • 68. You’re embarrassed by the filth and dirt when someone suggests it’s your pride and joy.
  • 69. Stone Chips
  • 70. Dead Flies
  • 71. Cracked driving lights
  • 72. Broken Registration plate
  • 73. No registration plate
  • 74. Dust and flies on the dash and crap on the ally bits in front of the seats are always something your going to clean . . . eventually
  • 75. Brake dust will become invisible until you start cleaning the wheels
  • 76. Wheel scuffs are part and parcel.
  • 77. The cost to your company, in time, lost by you thinking about and enquiring about upgrades, will invariably be greater than the cost of any upgrades you do
  • 78. The amount of time you spend talking about what upgrades you want will be far greater than the time required to carry out said upgrades
  • 79. Oil, coolant and tyre pressure checks will go from daily to weekly to a passing thought
  • 80. Sliding the seat back upon exiting the vehicle is perfectly normal
  • 81. You’ll be amazed at the amount of storage space available under the seats and what you have lost under the seats
  • 82. Removing the seats (with your specially made T-bar allen key) to vacuum is perfectly normal (full carpet owners only).
  • 83. Change lost under the seat is seen as a money-saving scheme.
  • 84. You’ll be convinced that the lumber support has a slow puncture.
  • 85. You’ll get used to people staring at you like you have two heads when seen out driving with the roof down in the rain.
  • 86. Only in the last five minutes of any journey will you remember to switch on the stereo.
  • 87. You’ll forget what the door locks are for.
  • 88. You stare in amazement at how bad the window wipers are (S1s only).
  • 89. Every child you drive past will point and shout, “Cool car”.
  • 90. Their mothers will take a different view, thinking you’re gonna mow down their offspring regardless of whether you’re sticking to the speed limit or not.
  • 91. . . . but not all mothers.
  • 92. You start to have relationships with young mothers.
  • 93. And my lumbar support HAS got a slow puncture, I think.
  • 94. Your mother screams even when you are at half pace.
  • 95. You hate cats.
  • 96. And birds.
  • 97. You’re the only one who doesn’t cringe when you ground on a speed ramp (LSS Owners Only).
  • 98. Friends take the [Censored] because you have a more worthwhile hobby than smoking.
  • 99. Ordinary folk can’t believe you risk taking it on track.
  • 100. Insurance is more than the loan.
  • 101. You’ve sold your house and moved back in with your parents just to pay the deposit or balloon.
  • 102. Holidays no longer involve flying.
  • 103. Nightmares about having children.
  • 104. You could complete an English GSCE on the following subjects – LSS, MMC, A539, SO2, A038, DVA
  • 105. You ring your girlfriend and say, “I’m somewhere in the Peak District”.
  • 106. You suddenly find yourself “working from home” if the weather threatens to snow.
  • 107. You’ve developed an indifferent shrug to the people who come up to you at work and ask about the car.
  • 108. In fact, you’re introduced to people as, “Here’s such and such, he drives a Lotus”.
  • 109. You get indignant that you’re slightly less one-dimensional than that . . . only slightly.
  • 110. You enjoy the look on other people’s faces as they complain about the price for their car service nudging into four figures.
  • 111. You actually look forward to services and MOTs as it’s the perfect opportunity to fit modifications.
  • 112. Damn, I should do that to my car . . . (when seeing upgrades other Elise owners have made)
  • 113. If you hear a sound outside whilst lying in bed, you go out and check on the garage, rather than comforting the wife/gf that the house is not going to be broken into.
  • 114. You suddenly gain the ability to pack suitcases and shopping bags.
  • 115. You lose any requirement you ever had in traffic jams to look at other people in cars, as you know they’re already staring at you. This also goes for shuffling your gonads in the presence of trucks.
  • 116. Your missus says, “YOU’RE ALL A BUNCH OF SAD B*STARDS!”
  • 117. You learn to admire the country side a lot more . . .
  • 118. You think the Elise is becoming a common car . . . (when you see two in the same week)
  • 119. “Darling, you don’t mind if I leave you alone all Sunday do you?”
  • 120. “I’m just popping out for a quick drive around the block”(four hours later) “Are you sure you’re not seeing someone?”
  • 121. The yellow lines on maps become of great importance . . .
  • 122. You get told at least once a week that the car is more important than the other half
  • 123. When you leave the house without your shoes, wallet, baseball cap and the letters you were going to post . . .and you only go back to get the hat
  • 124. The letters are still on the passenger seat as you drive to work the next day
  • 125. When you ask the BBS “Where can I buy a replacement Lotus badge?” and no-one thinks that you can buy it from Lotus
  • 126. When your social life is split 50/50 between driving the car and talking about driving the car
  • 127. Down the pub the conversation invariably turns to the subject of your car . . . even if you don’t bring it up
  • 128. You think a mini is a practical car
  • 129. When you have a bald spot on your head where the boot lid rests when you’ve propped it open
  • 130. When you leave your lights on and do not have enough power left to turn the alarm off!
  • 131. When you have a boot full of kit on top of the roof and the heavens open.
  • 132. When someone in a Jag rear ends you in the rush hour on the M25 and everyone who passes smiles.
  • 133. When the insurance co assumes it is your fault.
  • 134. You’ll vaguely remember the gear knob being shiny
  • 135. You’ve learned to ignore squeaks and rattles, however if you’re trying to impress a woman you’ll turn the stereo up
  • 136. Head gasket failure is classed as routine maintenance
  • 137. Wet feet at the petrol station
  • 138. Car-park attendants commenting, “Nice Porsche”
  • 139. Going to bed and taking the keys with you
  • 140. Cleaning the wheels every second evening (non-MMC owners only)
  • 141. Motorway is a swear word
  • 142. . . . as is Ice, Rain, Snow and Straight Road
  • 143. Wet ars3 in the summer
  • 144. Tyre marks on every roundabout within a 10 miles radius
  • 145. Every lunchtime whilst at work you go to see if it is “OK”
  • 146. You really can’t see what your next car will be that is in a similar price bracket.
  • 147. You work in IT or want to work in IT
  • 148. And were keeping your head down/kissing your boss’s ass/redundant between the years of 2000 and 2003
  • 149. You think it’s categorically, unquestionably, undoubtedly, 100%, definitely the best purchase you have ever made
  • 150. You’ve just spent 20 minutes reading this, whilst nodding your head, smiling and laughing…at least one person in your house/office is staring at you thinking you’re stark raving mad.

[Via: seloc]